When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Education is vital
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool