In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My first son he is wonderful
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since