[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”