What the hell is going on?
You Might Also Like
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”