Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
i did the math
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.