Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Hero horse inspires millions
A friend sent me this.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*