It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
🙂🙃🥹
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Möther may I have a snäck
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]