Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.