My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him