I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
<- sleeps well with others
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Effort made
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”