Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Just a reminder, folks:
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones