alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
You Might Also Like
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”