My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.