Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
#Caturday
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.