“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good