Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“you changed” bro i was 15
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”