you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.