Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.