It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
got so much cardio in today
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.