Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
What a website
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.