Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
You Might Also Like
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.