If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.