Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My flabber has been gasted.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
She puts the hot in psychotic
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating