I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
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i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.