Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.