Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
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Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
what it’s like dating me:
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.