Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”