Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
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no
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Make your daily standup meeting shorter