Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
There are 2 kinds of twitter.