Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
You Might Also Like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?