30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS