[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Very good! 👍😂
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.