Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Flowers bee like
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”