It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Lmaoo 😂
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
nature’s most graceful animal
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…