My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is