the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again