jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!