Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Brands during Pride
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much