2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew