If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
set yourself free xox
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.