the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
bias laundering edition