* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Netflix and awkward silence?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)