Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no