Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Message from the dog groomers
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.