Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack