My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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I’m aging like a fine banana
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“I wouldn’t.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car