Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
You Might Also Like
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
my nickname in college
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me