When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine