[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday