best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it